I feel like our ‘Ordinary’ has changed. I’ve mentioned a couple of times recently that Alfie is going through a bit of a difficult stage in terms of his attitude and behaviour and he’s lashing out more and more.
This last week has been a difficult one. On Monday, Alfie was sick at nursery, but the thing with Alfie is he gets embarrassed easily, so he didn’t actually tell any of the staff that he felt sick and it was only because one of the staff saw it coming that they realised what was happening. Later that evening, when it was time for bed, he became really upset, complaining of a poorly tummy, but he wouldn’t let himself ‘go’. Usually he’s very regular and will go every night before bed, but he suddenly had this fear. I ended up having to sit with him, holding his hand with my eyes closed because he hates being watched. This has pretty much happened every night this week. He has been in tears, sobbing and screaming that he doesn’t need to go, when he quite obviously does. What makes it even more difficult is we’ve not actually cracked him doing number 2’s on the toilet yet. It took us a very long time to crack him using the toilet at all, so we really didn’t want to push him too much with this, which has meant he’s still been going in a nappy.
He will normally go every night, but he’s only been twice and that’s been through many, many tears and clinging on to me. He says he thinks he’s going to be sick when he goes and no matter how many times we promise him he won’t be, he just cannot shake that fear. I’m really at a loss as to what to do because he’s so upset in himself and we can tell he’s feeling really rotten, because he’s a lot more clingy, he’s crying more, he’s not playing as much and on the days where he feels really bad he is really lashing out and hitting us in temper. What’s making it more difficult is that this sudden fear seems to have come from nowhere. Just over night he seems to have become really scared. The only thing we can put it down to is when he was sick he also needed the toilet at nursery and is now associating the two?!
It may seem like a strange thing to want to ‘remember’ but with having another one on the way, when we come to toilet training with baby number two, I do want to be able to look back on what we did with Alfie and how we handled certain situations.
On top of that, I’ve not been very happy with his nursery. I don’t want to go into too much detail but I’ve had a few queries over the invoice which just don’t seem to be getting resolved and despite him being entitled to his free 15 hours since January, we found out last week that he’s only been claiming for 9 hours, despite us increasing his days so that he is there enough days to claim these hours. There’s also been another couple of things that have left me feeling uncomfortable – when my MIL went to pick him up the other day, she said when she walked in, it was absolutely chaotic. There was a boy hitting a girl and lots of the children were shouting and crying and the staff didn’t seem to have it under control. When she saw Alfie he was on the verge of tears – he gets overwhelmed in situations like that and I know that he will have just wanted to get away from it so I’m glad that my MIL arrived when she did. He also talks about the ‘naughty’ boys. Now, I know what kids are like for telling tales so I do tend to take it all with a pinch of salt, but more and more, he’s coming home telling us about about a boy who is hitting and pushing people and not being very nice. This is making me wonder if Alfie is seeing this ‘naughty’ behaviour and mirroring it at home? It just makes me feel very uneasy that the staff didn’t seem to be in control when my MIL said it was so chaotic. In my opinion, a nursery should be a safe and calm environment. I’m not naive enough to think that all children are all angels at all times, but it’s somewhere I want Alfie to feel loved, to make friends and to build relationships. Not somewhere he’s anxious of going because there’s always lots of crying and noise and no real structure. What also broke my heart is yesterday he told us that he doesn’t have any friends at nursery. He said he’s really tried to look for friends but there just aren’t any… Now, how much truth there is to that I just don’t know, because the key workers tell us that he’s good at joining in and plays nicely with the other children. But just the very fact that he’s even said it has left me feeling very upset and uneasy and it broke my heart to think of my little boy not having anyone to play with. I really do think it might be time to look for a new nursery as I don’t think I’ve enough confidence in him being there for another year until school. I’m just worried about uprooting him though and it being the wrong choice for him. On the flip side, I know I could move him and it be the best decision we’ve ever made and I could get my loving little boy back. How do you know what to do for the best?
Then, on Friday morning, I woke to the news that we as a country have voted to leave the EU. Being firmly in the remain camp, as I woke and slowly started to see it all filtering through on social media and various news sources and friends news feeds, I found myself lying in bed next to Alfie, whilst Michael was still asleep and I was crying. Crying for the uncertainty which lies ahead. So, so many of my friends on facebook and people whom I follow on twitter are completely devastated by the result. I took some comfort in the fact that I seem to be around many like minded people but it wasn’t enough. I don’t follow politics, nor do I understand it much, but I knew how important this referendum was and so I did some research and decided that I very much wanted us to remain in the EU. What upset me the most is that the leave campaign, from what I’ve seen just on my own facebook seem to be powered by hate and racism and people who want to ‘get our country back’, people who don’t want immigrants in our county. I’m not saying that all people who voted leave are racist and full of hate, after all two of my very close family members, whom I adore and look to for advice frequently both voted leave. I respect their views and opinions. They have their reasons, as I have mine. But it makes me ask the question, why is it someone from another country coming to live here is an immigrant, yet someone from our country moving abroad is called an ex-pat?
Now, I’m not going to fall out with anyone over it, but it just made me feel really sad that so many people wanted out. I do not believe that a decision this huge should have been handed over to the people. We now know that most of the leave campaign was based on lies, but people have put their trust in these campaigns. What is also frightening is how many google searches there have been for ‘What is the EU?’ since the results were in. I feel powerless to protect my children. I don’t want them growing up in a divided country – a country where people do not show compassion or empathy to those from other parts of the world who want to come here to make a better life for themselves and their family and why shouldn’t they? In my opinion, it is no different to someone from here moving to Australia or Spain. I firmly believe that we are stronger together as part of the EU and like many other people I don’t like the uncertainty of not knowing what is next for this country and the position we will be in when my babies are older.
Having all this to deal with whilst being 22 weeks pregnant has not been easy and I’m finding myself snapping and crying over silly things. Stuff which I’d normally brush off is really getting to me and everything just seems so much more heightened. Even reading this back is making me wonder if I’m over reacting? Poor Michael is really getting the brunt of my hormones and I have to keep apologising to him for snapping at him. I just hope that once the baby is here and my hormones settle down that we can return to normality, where we are all happy and enjoy our time together. I think I’m keeping PG Tips (decaf) in business right now with the amount of tea I’m going through – it’s my saviour at the end of a stressful day!
Despite having such a difficult week, there have been times where our little boy has been his usual cheeky self and I just can’t wait to have him back permanently.